off to war mentality

[la fawnda]

Can any officers/ loved ones of cadets/officers relate to this state of mind? Emotional shut-down? Cutting ones feelings off. Preparing for boot camp? Is this a protection tactic? How do families deal?

[ChippieWife]

When I met my husband, he had just gotten out of active duty with the navy after 5 years..And that's how he was...It was really frustrating...But I helped him get back to being human and it's never been an issue since..During teh academy, I was his source of sanity and though he never told me the really gritty details (i wouldn't want to hear anyway), he was never afraid to tell me how he really felt..Getting all the pent-up emotions every weekend he came home really helped him and and made it less stressful on him..But every person has their own way of dealing with things..I was fortunate not to be closed out of this important time...Is your loved one dealing with the academy by bottling things up?

[Slim]

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking, but I will try to be helpful. My experiances with the CHP started like everyone else's, academy (no prior military), FTO, probation, transfer and now have 24 years left until retirment. My wife knew me prior to the CHP and has said I've changed. Not until recently has she understood I need time to myself to "unwind-debreif or whatever you want to call it". I'm a little more synical (I think more realistic) and things don't excite me as much as they used to. The things that keep me going from day to day without melting down and being depressed, stressed or on edge are activities and friends that are totally un-related to cop work. My work is difficult and taxing (mentally) and I need activities that get rid of that built up stress to bring me back to zero stress on my days off. I drag race my car, exercise very regularly, make time for my daughter and wife, play in my garden (I don't share that with the guys I work with) and clean/shine, add speed parts and or just drive my car. The thing that probly helps the most is playing pool. I'm not very good, but hold my own. I don't usually drink when I play, but I throughly enjoy it.

This job will change your love ones into a different, more mature, hardened person. My wife has read several books. I LOVE A COP is one of them. The life of a cop is very difficult to balance between work and home life. Most of us are adrenalin junkies who love anything exciting. Have an open mind when talking/dealing with your husand. Understand he is starting a valuable career that has huge rewards and demands nothing short of perfection.

To keep herself busy, my wife substitute teaches part time. It helps out with the bills and keeps her busy. Hope I was helpful.

[cal911gal]

La Fawnda,

Sometimes people who are about to be separated from their loved ones do go through a period of distancing - it's a self-protection measure and oftentimes it's purely unconscious. Not everyone adjusts in the same ways to going to boot camp/academy/war deployments, etc.

If you are experiencing this with your cadet, take the time to sit down and explain to them how you are perceiving things - they may not realize they are pulling away from you. More importantly, tell them you love them and support them, and will be waiting patiently for them (provided all that is true for you). Sometimes, as I said, people pull away unintentionally, and need to be reassured that life can return to fairly normal when they return.

If you do have a cadet going in May 29, make the time to go with them, and attend the orientation for spouses held at the Academy. I believe Peer Support is there, to offer insight and advice......it will help you a lot.

I am a member of the Peer support team - however, I am not at all involved with the Academy orientations. If you like, please PM and I'll message you privately - or I can try to get some information that applies to you that I can send you. Just let me know how I can help - I'll do what I can.

[la fawnda]

Thank you for responding. They do help. I 'm not a spouse of a cadet but a partner of one. Unfortunately, I am seeing a part of his personality that is not the best. (withdrawal, cutting off emotions, not talking about it) It is hard to deal with. I realize how much stress he is under and try not to take it personally nor judge his character overall during this time. I will not be attending the orientation but, thank ya kindly for extending me your help.

getting the first hand experience helps me out too.. and don't worry, I have plenty to keep me busy while he is away. The worst is not knowing what to expect (attitude, energy) but then again, he has it much worse than me! I stand behind him one hundred percent.

[la fawnda]

ps what is FTO? and can we write to the cadets while they are at the academy?

[Mac]

ps what is FTO? and can we write to the cadets while they are at the academy?
FTO = Field Training Officer; the officers who will train him in the field after he graduates the Academy. It is (or at least can be) another extremely stressful period.

Yes, you can write to the cadets while they are at the Academy. They'll instruct him on how the letters are to be addressed when he gets there.

[la fawnda]

Thanks Mac,

Is the mail monitored? Do they read the mail?

[dw]

Thanks Mac,

Is the mail monitored? Do they read the mail?

Mail is private.

[Your Mentor]

La Fawnda,
From personal experience; went from the military right into the Academy, taught two tours at the Academy, etc, blah, blah, blah. I can say that what your partner is experiencing is all-consuming. It will be so for about a year and a half. That sounds like a long time but should you choose to support him or her through it, the rewards to your relationship will be ten-fold. It isn't that he or she is distancing themselves but rather they are focusing on something very heavy. There's simply no way to undergo indocturination into the subculture of law enforcement without enduring that weight. So let them focus on it and later you will be encouraged to join in that subculture as if you were an officer in the field. We treat our spouses, significant others with the same trust as fellow officers. Support on your end will reap rewards on your end. Just FYI.
Y.M.

[la fawnda]

La Fawnda,
From personal experience; went from the military right into the Academy, taught two tours at the Academy, etc, blah, blah, blah. I can say that what your partner is experiencing is all-consuming. It will be so for about a year and a half. That sounds like a long time but should you choose to support him or her through it, the rewards to your relationship will be ten-fold. It isn't that he or she is distancing themselves but rather they are focusing on something very heavy. There's simply no way to undergo indocturination into the subculture of law enforcement without enduring that weight. So let them focus on it and later you will be encouraged to join in that subculture as if you were an officer in the field. We treat our spouses, significant others with the same trust as fellow officers. Support on your end will reap rewards on your end. Just FYI.
Y.M.


Wow. That was very eloquently stated and extremely helpful. Thank-you. I have and will always have the utmost respect for law enforcement. I stand behind him and his commitment to this journey. It would be an honor to have my partner earn a place in that family and a privledge for me to also be welcomed.

Thank you all kindly for your support.