A Taser Story

[snowdog]

A Taser Story

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.

Great story!! As far as your testicles go, check with your wife. My wife took mine away almost 28 years ago and keeps them in her nightstand drawer. Occasionally she takes them out and lets me look at them.

[BoySergeant]

A Taser Story

To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email, is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.

[SuperTrooper]

LOL!!!! :lol:

That's the funniest story I have read so far this year.

[redhead]

That was great. Thanks for posting....

[TheForceCHP]

thanks for that!!! i couldn't stop laughing

[ace553]

that was...AWESOME! :lol:

[Slim]

Was there an adult beverage involved?

[decon]

My dog would of looked at me the same way.

[snowdog]

[junebughunter]

The AA batteries are insignificant, it's the capicitor inside the taser you should be scared of.

This reminds me of the time I was working on my Tahoe and after finishing up for the night I rolled up an extension cable I had been using. I made two mistakes, first one being that I left it plugged in as I was rolling it up, and the second I was using an old extension cord that used to be my grandpa's, and my grandpa is the kind of guy who likes to "fix" things if they are broken.

His hack job at putting the severed extension cord together resulted in my twitching like...uhh...something that twitches a lot, on the ground of the garage. The twist caps and electrical tape had worked it's way off exposing the bare wire...which made contact with my wrist/palm.

I was actually surprised it didn't hurt quite as badly as I thought, I mean it completely stunned me, made me jolt violently, and practically knocked me on the ground, but I don't know it seems like it could have been worse...at least I learned to always unplug cables from the wall before I move them

[dw]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

[Mac]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp
Killjoy! :smile:

I knew it was fake - I've been e-mailed 3 or 4 variations of it - but it's still a funny story nonetheless! :badgrin:

[BoySergeant]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Duh! It's a Joke! Do you run everything I tell you through snopes?! LOL :lol:

[dw]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Duh! It's a Joke! Do you run everything I tell you through snopes?! LOL :lol:


You are a supervisor after all... Most of what you guys say is fiction. ;)

[BoySergeant]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Duh! It's a Joke! Do you run everything I tell you through snopes?! LOL :lol:


You are a supervisor after all... Most of what you guys say is fiction. ;)

Ouch... that stings! Its not so much what you say but how confidently you say it! By the way, thanks for the ride to the airport!

[Observer]

Holy $*** that is funny!

[dlg2k6]

Oh my God..that is the funniest thing that I have read in a very long time! Everyone at work had to read it too just to see what I was laughing so hard about!