Some jokes I found

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,

"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost $500,000.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy."
"How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and darn, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes.
Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

3 guys were asked what would they do if a grizzly bear attacked them
The first guy said he would hit the bear in the nose and fight as hard as he could
the second guy said he would just play dead and hope the bear would leave him alone
the third guy said he would throw poop in his eye and run
The other guys asked where would you get the poop from?
The third guy said dont worry about that

there are three bulls standing near a fence listening to a conversation being held between the ranch owner and his neighbor. the ranch owner says he is getting a new bull. the three bulls mosey on over underneath a tree the oldest and biggest followed by the medium sized and then the youngest. the oldest bull says "can you believe the nerve of that guy bringing in a new bull. i have been here the longest and have worked hard for my cows and i aint giving any of my 250 cows for any new guy". the medium one says " yeah i haven't been here as long as you but i have about 100 and i am not giving any of mine up either." the smallest bull says "yeah i have not been here more than a year and i only have about 20 of those cows out there but i have worked hard for them and i am not going to let anybody come in and take even one."

the next day the trailor shows up rocking back and forth with huge fresh hoof sized dents in the thick metal and the three bulls are staring intently at the back of the trailor. the handlers open the back of the trailor and out walks the biggest pile of muscle any body had ever seen. the new bull was so big he didn't even have to look through the fence he just looked straight over it toward the heard of cows.

the bulls walk away a few yards and the oldest bull says "you know i may have been a little hasty, i think i willl give him a few of my cows." the medium bull says "yeah we were definitely hasty, it wasn't nice of us to talk behind his back like that i'll give him a few of mine too." just then the little bull starts pawing and snorting at the ground in front of the new bull. the two other bulls are yelling " what are you doing you are going to get yourself killed." the little bull says "man i don't want to fight this guy i just want to make sure that big son of a gun knows that i am not a cow."

a young truck driver just got a brand new bright red kenworth and he is cruising the truck stop just as proud as can be. he spots a guy who has his hood lifted. he walks up and asks the second guy if he is ok and the older trucker says no i gotta get this truck to sea world by tomorrow and my truck is broke down. the young guy asks to see what is inside. inside a refrigerated box van sit 100 penguins destined for the new attraction at sea world. the young guy says i can take that load for you. so off drives the young trucker with his vrigin run in his brand new kenworth heading to sea world. a week later the young guy spots the same older trucker. the older trucker asks the young guy if he had any trouble getting the penguins to sea world. the young guy says "no, and in fact..." as he raises the door on the back of the trailor the older trucker can't believe what he is seeing. there, in the back of the trailor, are 100 penguins wearing small mickey mouse ears. the young driver continues, " i had a little money left over so i took them to Disney Land too.

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides...............

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work p ays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your a__ tomorrow

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.


why dont blind people skydive.............................it scares the hell out of the dog http://transamcountry.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif


a man was sitting on the couch trying to watch a football game when his wife sat down next to him. she was looking down at her chest and he knew what was coming next. this was just one more time he was going to have to hear her complain about the size of her chest. he couldn't take it any more so he got up and went to the bathroom. he returned with a wadded up ball of toilette paper and said "here." she asked her husband what this was for and he replied "well just rub the toilette paper down the center of your chest and it will make your chest bigger." his wife was shocked and asked "will that really work?" and he said "why not" "it worked for your butt"


An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
_________________

[Nor-Cal hopeful]

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the
local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost to late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was
doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,

"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"