Police Humor

[SB 405]

Just some stuff I found and thought I'd share...


A police patrol unit parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it wasn't raining, flicked the hazard flasher on and off and tooted the horn. He switched on the lights and moved the vehicle forward a few feet, then he backed the car up and remained stationary as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on his flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over. He gave the man a breathalyzer test and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," the man replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[SB 405]

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and
is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never
driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might
drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have
much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and
the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts
accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to
about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue
lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over
and the trooper comes to the window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment
please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells
the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person
pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No, Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more
important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper,"but he's got
the Pope as his chauffer!"

[SB 405]

A policeman pulls over a carload of nuns.

Policeman: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Policeman: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit; that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the policeman looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 121."

[SB 405]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

[SB 405]

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A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

[SB 405]

A man is going down the road and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When the officer gets up to the car, he tells the man that he was speeding. The man isn't surprised because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and the man tells him that they are for his act - he's a juggler.

The patrolman doesn't believe him and tells him to prove it, so the man gets out of the car and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, two men drive by and witness the goings-on. One of the men looks at the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking. Those sobriety tests these days are rough!"

[Mac]

An officer is sitting at an intersection watching a stop sign, and a guy approaches, slows to about 10 mph and proceeds through the intersection. The officer stops him, and the guy says "What's the problem, Officer?". The cop replies "You didn't stop for that stop sign back there." The guy replies "Yeah, but I slowed down!" The cop asks for his license and registration, and the driver asks "Why do you need it?". The officer replies "I'm going to write you a ticket for running that stop sign". As he walks back to the car, the guy pleads "But I slowed down!".

The cop returns with the ticket and tells the driver to sign it. The driver says "I really don't see what the big freakin' deal is...I know I didn't stop, but for gawd's sake, I slowed down!". The cop drops his ticket book, pulls the guy out of the car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the driver, and he says "OK, you stupid SOB....now do you want me to STOP, or do you want me to SLOW DOWN?!?!?". :lol:

[SB 405]

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the driver rolls down the window, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper drawls, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."

The driver rubs his head and says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on that window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

"Huh?" says the passenger.

The cop replies, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me.'"

[Cameron]

A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.
Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.
After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," she replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"

[Christian L]

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches a 'blonde lady' driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[alexfarrington]

A blonde is speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone. She blows by a police car at 70, and sure enough the officer pulls her over.

The blonde pulls over and unbuttons the top two buttons of her blouse, ready to flirt her way out of the ticket.

As the officer approaches the blonde's car, she realizes with dismay that the officer is a woman.

The officer, who also happens to be a blonde, asks for the violator's driver's license.

The driver searches frantically in her purse for a while and finally says to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop replies, "You dummy, it's about the size of a business card, and when you look at it, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searches her purse again and finds a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She looks at it carefully and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!" She quickly hands the mirror to the officer.

The blonde cop takes a quick look and hands it back to the driver, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't realize you were a police officer too. You're free to go."