Help with convincing wife about career change to law enforcement

[Fuller]

I have been interested in the chp and law enforcement in general for about a year now, and have even starting the chp hiring process by passing the written exam. However, I recently got married and my wife is less than excited about me pursuing a career change into law enforcement (to say the least). All she can focus on is the bad news being reported out there about officer shootings, how dangerous of a job it is, etc... But the more I think about it and the more I really dislike my current career path, the more I am interested in pursuing a career with the chp, or local PD. I come from a law enforcement family and listening to them talk about their experiences is really cool and makes me think I would really enjoy it.

Has anyone else had this problem, or been in the position that my wife is in? How can I help convince her what a great career path LE is?

[uoplax13]

Get her to go on a ride along or talk with some officers who can tell her that the job is not all that bad......emphasize the good parts (pay, benefits, outstanding training at the academy that translates into you being safer out there, a job that means something, etc...). Of course, I am way too single to be giving any advice on this, but that's my two cents.

[la fawnda]

Hey Fuller,

There are many wives on this board that can answer this question for you better than I. I have a BF in the academy right now. They have already begun preparing him for the rigors of a LEO lifestyle after the academy. Since you are a child of a LEO family (as am I and my partner) you have a understanding that many do not, including your wife. I must be honest with you though, it is only going to get worse especially if your wife is already opposed to it.

Your safety is a concern, yes of course. It is a fear that I also face but, that is only one factor you must consider when having a partner or spouse in the CHP, PD. You will be spending 6.5 months apart while you are at the academy, not to mention the next two years after that working holidays, nights, weekends and pretty tough break-in period all in a place that you probably will not want to be. This all can make or break a relationship.

If you are already in the process, I am assuming that you have a BI. They are more suited to counsel you on it. The one thing you must understand is, they will never sugar-coat it for your wife and it is best that you do not either. She will be spending many nights/weekends alone. A large percent of marriages end in the first few years of a LEO's career and cadets not completing the academy because their spouse can't hack it is one of the top three reasons for early termination from the academy.

There is a support groups for wives I believe it is before the academy and at graduation because of the high rate of divorce in this profession. She would benefit from meeting other women in the same kind of relationship. They do tend to give you the worst case senario because they only want cadets that are serious about the their jobs. There are many, many relationships that do make it. Know the straight facts before you commit yourself to the job. You may find it is not for you after all.

I support my BF 110% through this entire thing because I know how much this means to him. I am so proud of all that he has accomplished. I stand behind him. I think having a father in the PD and a very busy career of my own also helps our situation immensely. It is critical that your wife support you 100 % through it all. Your relationship will only reap the benefits from the strength you will gain from going through this and you will gain a career that you can take pride in and provide your wife a better life.

Like I said, I have gained strength from many of the inspiring wives on this forum that have been through this and made it work and are still making it work everyday. They and many, many before them set the pace to put those marriage/relationships stats in the dust. It takes the very strongest women to hold it together, (and also supportive officer haha :smile: The LEO life is not a normal life like everyone else's, but it is a great life just the same. The beginning is rough but you can make it. It is a lifestyle that is not for everyone but, it definetly can be done.

Phew!! that was a long one but, I hoped it helped some

Fawnie:shock:

[Fuller]

la fawnda,
Thank you for the great reply. PM sent.

[makakona]

my opinion will be unpopular and likely not what you're looking for. educate her the best you can, but if in the end she's not on board, i think it's unfair to her AND yourself to continue to pursue a career in le. if she married into it and was barking, that'd be her problem, but if she married you with one expectation and now you're changing gears, she has a right to protest... in my humble opinion. ;)

a good friend of mine is from an le family... his dad is head of one local pd and his uncle runs the next station over. his brother works for one of those stations. he had a situation similar to yours and after much discussion and soul-searching, his wife gave him an ultimatum. it was sad that his wife couldn't come to grips with it, but he valued his marriage more than he did his dream job. years later, he has no regrets.

i asked my husband for his insight on this, much to his chagrin, haha. he said, "well, either he gets his wife on board or he gets divorced." that's a man for you! some of the officers here can tell some pretty harrowing tales of what can happen if you take an le path without the right woman by your side. (no sexism intended... i just haven't heard any tales of woe from women on this board!)

inform her as best you can, but if she doesn't "see the light," you'd be doing you both a disservice to continue, i think. not fun stuff, but definitely very real.

as for me, i'm only "scared" when people ask me if it doesn't terrify me... i don't really think about it otherwise. it annoys me when people ask that because it would be kind of dumb to say that i didn't worry about my husband working the streets of la at night in shady areas... what do they think i'll say?! i always have to stop and think because i automatically say no and then have to clarify that it's just not something i sit and think about each day, you know?

i have the utmost confidence in my husband's training, abilities, discernment, and backup, but sometimes none of that matters. we keep our life insurance high and (since we're religious folk) we say lots of prayers, but beyond that, there's not much we can do. i'd be a miserable woman if i agonized over where my husband was or what he was doing each day. i'm just happy when he makes it home each night! (and, of course, i'm still veeeeeeery new to this ballgame! i've had a good role model in my mother-in-law, though, as she faithfully waited at home for my father-in-law to return home each day during 26 years of graves give or take a few break-in periods.)

[stump1860]

I have to agree with makakona on this one. If you and your wife had conversations prior to getting married and she knew you might oneday venture into LE, then I would honor whatever decision you two came to. On the other hand, if LE is something you decided you wanted to attempt after marriage without prior discussion, then it should be a mutual decision. At first, my wife was not very accepting to the idea. If you want to PM me or send me an em, I would be happy to go into further detail with you. Just know this, no amount of job satisfaction will make up for a miserable homelife. If you have a miserable homelife, it trickles down to every other aspect of your life, including professional. Best of luck and like I said, PM me for my details should you need some help. :smile:

[pupdog]

What about a non-sworn position such as dispatcher?

[Mac]

I'll echo what others have said - without spousal support, you're going to have a tough row to hoe. This job requires a lot of you - shift work, weekends, holidays, court/end-of-shift overtime, etc., and if your wife/husband isn't good with it you're going to catch a lot of flak which will carry over into your work.

There was a guy in my Academy class who was in the same position. My fiancee (at the time) went to the spousal panel on graduation day, and afterwards she pointed him out and asked who he was. I told her, and she said that he would either quit or be divorced within a very short time. Apparently his wife was just freaking during the spousal panel about the dangers of the job, etc. - saying she hadn't been able to sleep the whole time he was in the Academy, and now was really worried sick at the thought of him going into the field. He resigned after his second day of break-in.

The bottom line is, sure this can be a dangerous job. You could certainly get hurt or killed.....but you could also die of a heart attack in your cubicle in a "safer" job, or get wiped out on the freeway while traveling to/from work. On the other side of the coin, the job stability is pretty much unparallelled in the private sector, and the benefits are very good. If it's something you really want to do, then you're going to have to work it out with her. If you forego it to be a bank teller or accountant just to please her, it could create resentment and regret within you that will poison the relationship eventually anyways. My personal (and politically incorrect) attitude is that I could never have a spouse who tried to dictate my life to me like that.....nor would I ever do it to her.

[23112]

Some may disagree with me, but I definitely think family is much, much more important than any career. If your wife isn't behind you on this one, I wouldn't recommend going after it. Academy and break-in require a lot of sacrifices to be made by you and your family. If she isn't in support of the career, she won't be in support of the sacrifices--and you'll both be miserable.

At the same time, your wife's concerns are probably reasonable. However, if she ends up changing her mind, it will probably be the result of a process: learning more about the job, seeing your excitement for it, talking to other Chippy wives, etc.

Send me a message if you'd like your wife to chat with my wife and hear her perspective on the job.

[DESERT RAT]

Dude, just tell her that while in the ACADEMY they teach you to make your own bed, clean up after yourself, and put your dirty laundry in the hamper. If she cant get excited about that.......you got the wrong girl.

[makakona]

There was a guy in my Academy class who was in the same position. My fiancee (at the time) went to the spousal panel on graduation day, and afterwards she pointed him out and asked who he was. I told her, and she said that he would either quit or be divorced within a very short time. Apparently his wife was just freaking during the spousal panel about the dangers of the job, etc. - saying she hadn't been able to sleep the whole time he was in the Academy, and now was really worried sick at the thought of him going into the field. He resigned after his second day of break-in.
made it further than one of the guys from iv-05. he apparently never planned on seeing it through and quit just after the press pictures on day one of orientation. :rolleyes:

My personal (and politically incorrect) attitude is that I could never have a spouse who tried to dictate my life to me like that.....nor would I ever do it to her.
but if she's that set against it, you'd be doing the same to her by being hell bent on pursuing it. if it was for unjustifiable reasons, understandable, but this gal has legit concerns that someone can either suck up or not. i think being the spouse of a warrior type (pd, hp, military, whatever) is either something you've got or you don't. nothing wrong with those who don't, they'd just better not run off with the first cute soldier they see!

while it's great to think that marriage is solely about compromise, there are a few things that i won't bend on and ditto for my husband. i don't think it's disrespectful, so long as they're reasonable and justified concerns.

[retchp]

On the way to my written test I asked my first wife, "Would you rather be married to a CHP officer or an insurance salesman (which I was). She said, " A CHP officer".
I met my second wife on the road on duty (gasp) (after the first one divorced me for no apparent reason):shock:
Number three was involved in LE.
#4 said she always thought she would never marry or even speak to a cop, but changed her mind once she realized that cops are just people with an unusual job.
Oh by the way, lest ye judge me...Numbers one and two would like me back. I left #3 and # 4 will bury me or I will bury her.

[Chipper]

I'll be blunt, because I'm good at it.

YOUR career is just that, YOURS. Don't let anyone else persuade you one way or another, Do what YOU want to do.

If your other half isn't on board, she's not your soulmate and you should let her fly away. If she returns, it was meant to be.

I personally know 3 or 4 guys who left LE because of a spouse and later divorced anyway, and then regretted leaving LE in the first place.

Let's be sensible here.... Its freaking dangerous just crossing the street and getting out of bed in the morning no matter what your job is. You also have more chance of being hurt or killed being a clerk at 7-11!

[Mac]

You also have more chance of being hurt or killed being a clerk at 7-11!
LOL....there it is! Tell her that instead of being a CHP Officer, you're going to look into a career as a night clerk at a convenience store - talk about a dangerous job!!! :shock:

[Your Mentor]

I think this entire forum; it's threads, resident characters, etc., demonstrate one undeniable fact. Law enforcement is more than just a career. I try like hell to keep it just a job, for my own sake. But it remains, no matter how hard I try, a lifestyle. I prefer to think of it as a subculture since I want my lifestyle to be about me and my family. Regardless, this job will, at some point anyway, invade one's off-duty life.

[Agaveman]

I'd rather my husband be in a dangerous job he loves than a "safe" job he hates.

[PeckerHead]

Who was it that said "What we have here is a failure to communicate"? Seems to me if a LE career was what you've been wanting, she should have been on board and agreeing to that before you said "I DO." What's more important to you? A career in LE or the woman that you love? The cold hard truth is (and the statistics show it) a career in LE is very hard on marriages. You might want to do some more research, before making a final decision. If your spouse isn't fond of the idea now......

[G-Man]

Who was it that said "What we have here is a failure to communicate"? Seems to me if a LE career was what you've been wanting, she should have been on board and agreeing to that before you said "I DO." What's more important to you? A career in LE or the woman that you love? The cold hard truth is (and the statistics show it) a career in LE is very hard on marriages. You might want to do some more research, before making a final decision. If your spouse isn't fond of the idea now......

"What we have here is a complete lack of respect for the law" i have not idea, but its from the same movie.... does that count.

[Mary-1]

If it is just you and your wife, then I see no reason why should not pursue a career that you want.

Having said that. If you do pursue this career and your wife is dead set against it, chances are you two will not last. If that is the case, then I would get rid of her before she gets into your retirement.

Sorry, but this is the cold hard facts. You need to decide want you want in life. Good luck.

[25/31]

I think this entire forum; it's threads, resident characters, etc., demonstrate one undeniable fact. Law enforcement is more than just a career. I try like hell to keep it just a job, for my own sake. But it remains, no matter how hard I try, a lifestyle. I prefer to think of it as a subculture since I want my lifestyle to be about me and my family. Regardless, this job will, at some point anyway, invade one's off-duty life.


Well said.:cool:

[HippieChip]

It's probably very difficult for your wife to understand or identify with your desire to go into law enforcement. She probably does things you don't understand either. Her worries make sense to the general population. You cannot predict that you will not be injured or killed in the line of duty. But you can't predict that you won't die as a civilian either. The majority of what we deal with, are other peoples tragedies. Yes, being in law enforcement can put you at greater risk, however, you are trained to react and respond to those risks/threats. Often times the things that happen to us, happen to non sworn and they are injured or killed. At least we have the training and are aware we are in a bad situation where another person would not realize there was a problem. That knowledge gives us the opportunity to avert the problem, or get out of the bad situation. You should sit down and make a list......sounds funny, but when you put it all down on a list of pros and cons, it helps spell everything clearly for you.....In the end, I agree with everyone else on posting......if it's your dream and you don't go for it, you'll resent that and eventually be divorced anyway.

[dlg2k6]

You know, I was somewhat bothered by it when my fiance decided he wanted to pursue this career also. After all, it is in fact a dangerous career. However, after really thinking the whole situation through, I always came back to my solid belief and it may sound corny to some of you but this is truly how I feel - When it is your time to go, God is going to take you no matter where you are or what you are doing. So why not enjoy your life to it's fullest and if you can actually find a career that you do enjoy and will make you happy as well as pay the bills and make your life more financially secure, it's a wonderful thing. So many people work their entire life in a job or career that they hate.

I really debated for quite some time before I posted this because I didn't want to sound like a religious fanatic (which I am not) and I didn't want to give the wrong impression to the LEO here that the job that they do is not important and that they don't save lives, that it's all in God's hands, blah blah blah, etc...because that isn't what I am trying to say. I just know that whenever I have lost someone close to me or even think about losing someone close to me - it's that belief that I stated above that helps me to cope with that type of situation.

[chico.medic]

My girlfriend is 110% supportive of my decision to transition into LE, at least she claims to be. I worry though, A friend of mine is a SO Deputy and his GF claimed to support whatever made him happy. 3 days out of the academy he came home to a dear John letter, and an empty house. Anyone know of similar circumstances?

[Fuller]

Well I appreciate all of your responses. They were very helpful, for the most part. I have done a lot of research and talked to several people about my situation to help make the best decision possible.

All the stuff about LE being much more than just a job, but a lifestyle, etc. is all stuff I know about first hand from relatives who have done it, and I'm ok with all that, in fact I think that is one of the most applealing aspects of LE. Plus I really think I would be good at it. But I do have to consider everything else and as much as I wanted to pursue this career change, I really feel like I should have done it back when I had the chance and did not have the responsibilities of starting a family.

While I am somewhat disapointed, I know that I am really making the best decision. Feels good to make a decision by evaluating everything and thinking it all the way through! (As opposed to quick, rash decisions without thinking that I have been known to make in the past.)

I'll probably continue to poke around this forum from time to time, cause I think it is really great and I've learned a lot about the LE lifestyle simply from reading what a lot of you have to say.

Thanks again,
Fuller

[Erin]

Maybe a good test would be to watch Cops with your significant other and see what kind of response they have. I love that my boyfriend is in law enforcement and when I watch that show I always root for the officers and laugh at the criminals....sometimes it's hard to stay seated. Whenever I get scared that he might get hurt someday, I always feel better after watching an episode of the officers helping the good people and catching the bad ones. :biggrin: