Getting Married Pre-Academy

[wannabehp]

I am currently engaged to the girl of my dreams. We have been together for over 5 years. She is very supportive of my decision to enter the CHP and even helps with my motivation for training. I know I want to marry her and she feels the same way back, however some of my family and friends have recommended on waiting until after the academy before tying the knot to make sure we are still ok together after a life changing experience. Any advice? Any stories from couples who went through the process while married? Thanks in advance.

[ResQ]

How old are you guys and have you ever been married.

I will assume younger and first timers. If this is wrong then maybe I don't know. My first thought was: Is it possible? Hell Yeah! How Cool is that!

Then I thought about from your grils position and it wasn't so hot. From her perspective, you are going to essentially disappear for 6+ months and then only be around a little while you are on break in....

During this time, you will start to change your opinions about certain things and she won't be there to help. So in the end, once things quiet down...you have a lonely woman waiting for you to make up lost time, a boring, nasty story about your honeymoon at the academy, and she gets introduced to you (a new person) who has a different world view.

If you are seriouos about marriage, I would wait until probation is over, (you'll have vacation time saved up) and then take some time to do it.

[q4star]

I agree that you should wait. I had several newby married persons (men/women) in my police academy class. It goes to say that after graduation and working shift work and what you will be exposed to your life and personality WILL change. Many of those newby married folks ALL had either divorces or left the job. And guess what they were all over the hill about being newly married and being in academy.

I have been in law enforcement for 22 years and I advised recruits to wait until probationary period is over. The divorce rate for police is VERY high I just googled it and it said 80 percent.

[highway sentinel]

I actually had a classmate make it to the end... graduation day and then quit before reporting to the Santa Cruz area because his wife didn't want to move or deal with him being away, et cetera. Shouldn't they have figured that out prior to? Of course yes. I can tell you out of the two, the job or the wife, what I would have chosen. :shock:

[carcop]

Gonna kinda agree with what has already been said. If you can wait, and my guess is that your young, then wait. You'll both be better prepared to deal with several life changing events. You'll be challanged in the Academy, challenged during your break in time (FTO), challenged during the rest of your probation time, so why add an additional challenge to your life with your new marriage. Marriage has its own challenges, learning to live with someone, bills, planning, her job, home... etc. Once the "storm" passes, you will be in a more stable enviroment and will be able to dedicate more to your new marriage. It's a year and it will fly by.

Good luck with both either way.

[Cadet CTC II-09]

I was in your situation, I was 22 entering the academy and had been with her for 6 years. We waited and it was the best choice. Unfortunately the academy is a beast and the drop out rate is very high. You do not need the added stress that a fiance will bring. You're never home and then break in is worse. I proposed at the end of the Academy and I'm getting married this Saturday. So wait, wait, wait! It's worth it.

[HotPursuit]

I actually had a classmate make it to the end... graduation day and then quit before reporting to the Santa Cruz area because his wife didn't want to move or deal with him being away, et cetera. Shouldn't they have figured that out prior to? Of course yes. I can tell you out of the two, the job or the wife, what I would have chosen. :shock:

what a loser.

[Paul B]

I know the academy was tough but I had a different experience than the others. When my wife and I were dating she knew that I was going into LE and we had been married a few years before I went in. She moved to Sac, we got an apartment and I saw her on my weekends and Wednesday night liberty. We just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary so it is possible!:smile:

[The Broadcaster]

I got married one month before I started the academy. I proposed while I was in the process, and I got the academy invite after that. We talked about waiting until after I graduated to get married, but ultimately decided to do it before. I think not having to worry about planning a wedding while I was in the academy was a good thing.

Just remember, no matter if you get married first or wait until after graduation, or don't get married at all and just live together, the relationship is a two-way street. You are going to be stressed, but don't lose sight of the fact that she will be, too. Unless you're lucky enough to be assigned to an office near your home, she is going to have quit her job and left her friends so you can follow your dream. Thank her. Take her out to dinner. Bring her flowers. Make sure she knows you appreciate it and love her. Support her as much as you want her to support you, because you will both be stressed out.

I made a promise to my wife when I graduated that, since she quit her job and left her friends and family for me, I would go anywhere in the state (after my first year) she wanted to go to be happy and fulfilled. Three years later, she got a kick-ass job in the Bay Area, and I put my paperwork in for a transfer without hesitation.

[Mom]

My son proposed to his wife during his 10 days off between academy and break in. They had been together 2 years. She got to see what the academy did to him, and since he was sent 300 miles away for break in, it gave her something to do (plan the wedding) while he had to neglect her. It really worked out well for both of them. It is 2.5 years later, and I am going to be a grandma!

[wannabehp]

Well, thanks to all who have replied so far. You have given me/us a lot to think about. We were both CHP explorers once upon a time so we have been introduced to the LE lifestyle. One good thing for us, the potential of moving anywhere in the state, including LA or Bay, is exciting to both of us. However, it would be a major shame to get married, be successful in the academy and start a new life with a crummy marriage because things changed. I figure since we are fairly young, already living together living our life, that if we can make through the academy engaged and life is still good after probation, then we will probably be good for life.

Feel free to keep offering advice, we love reading the replies.

[emcviper]

My roommate got married 2 weeks before the academy. The "honeymoon phase" of marriage was virtually non-existent and it was a huge stress for his wife (and thus, him). I feel this contributed to him not making it out.

Anybody with a solid marriage did fine, but the newer couples had a really hard time.

[Ajames10560]

It will be a good idea to wait...you will go through a process which will require 110% of your time and effort should you wish to succeed as an officer. It will be difficult at best to add another major life change such as a marriage. Break-in will require about 200% of your attention, and you may end up living hundreds of miles away from home and family support. Your new bride will be home alone (at least without you) as you will more than likely spend a year or more on graveyard and any free time you have will be spent in court or sleeping. The job of a cop is tough enough to weather a 10/20 year marriage let alone a new one.

Just keeping it real...best wishes to you and your family and I wish you much success. PM me if you like.

aj

[CTCI08Wife]

I just want to throw this out there as a wife that went through the Academy process with my husband (and our 2 kids). It is going to be tough on her whether there is a ring on her finger or not. If you really want to take that step together, it may be the most rewarding thing you've ever done and make your time at the Academy that much better. However, like everyone else said, it could set you up for failure. She's going to have to suck it up, tough it out, and Get Used To It. The next 30-ish years are FULL of all the BS that makes being married to a LEO so difficult. If she doesn't have the backbone or the, ahem, constitution to make it through the Academy, Break-in, and Probation as your wife, she certainly won't make it through the rest of your career.

A lot of us wives say the Academy is training for us as much as it is for you. She's going to learn how to deal with you not being there for important stuff (holidays, birthday, illnesses, etc). She can learn how to sleep alone every night, and how to eat meals alone. She can learn how to end a conversation abruptly because "I gotta go" is a common occurrence in the Academy and on the road. She can learn to tell family/friends/etc that "Sorry, we can't make it because (Husband) is working again/OT/Cozeep, or has court". She can learn how to budget for the month (since pay day is only once), and deal with unexpected work expenses (because you are going to come home telling her you 'have' to have the latest/greatest do-dad, both in the Academy and on the road). She can learn how to make friends with other wives/fiancees/girlfriends that are 'suffering' the same way she is (because let's face it - no one else is going to understand what she is feeling but us!).

Whatever you decide, regardless of what everyone else has said on this board, marriage is for the long haul. Even without CHP, you'll go through some major ups and downs. CHP just adds an interesting twist. Good Luck to both of you!

[Arabs]

I actually had a classmate make it to the end... graduation day and then quit before reporting to the Santa Cruz area because his wife didn't want to move or deal with him being away, et cetera. Shouldn't they have figured that out prior to? Of course yes. I can tell you out of the two, the job or the wife, what I would have chosen. :shock:

Oh, he reported all right. He took the promotional picture for the paper with the other new officers, THEN he turned in his badge and gun.

[KingFrankSam]

Oh, he reported all right. He took the promotional picture for the paper with the other new officers, THEN he turned in his badge and gun.

I bet he's got that photo on his "I love me wall" and brags about being a "retired" chippie... :doh:

[roaming_gnome]

I bet he's got that photo on his "I love me wall" and brags about being a "retired" chippie... :doh:

I think his father is an LT for the department as well......

[Arabs]

I think his father is an LT for the department as well......

Pretty sure his dad is retired (dad was retchp's classmate). If memory serves, he went into real estate because it was safer and more lucrative. Wonder how that's working out now.

[retchp]

Bingo. Only former partner not classmate. Latest word he's in the rehire process. As an aside, I have worked many jobs. For all the faults, this job was the best thing that ever happened to me. That includes my broke dick 457 plan which is still worth triple what I put in and more. Even factoring the last ten years. Never take your eye off the prize which is a secure retirement.

[23112]

I'd recommend taking the advice of your family and friends, since they probably know you and your fiance better than most of us--or all of us. Really, I don't think you're going to get some sort of revelation from anybody on this board that you haven't already thought of.

However, I'd also like to offer some counterpoint, since there are a lot of folks recommending waiting (which might be wise counsel). If you and your wife are sure you want to get married, and you both understand that you'll be apart for 27 weeks (except for most weekends, when you'll be exhausted and stressed, come Sunday morning) then go for it. Maybe you're someone that won't make it through the Academy unless you have a spouse by your side on weekends and on nightly phone calls giving you support. Maybe you'll need that extra motivation of "having a family to support" to keep from quitting when it gets extra tough up there. After all, what does the single guy have to lose if he goes home (aside from a bitchin' job)?

You're going to go through plenty of stressful activities in your life, aside from the Academy--why not do it with a partner? After all, you'll end up buying a house with a wife, having a baby or two with a wife, perhaps battle a life-threatening illness or injury with a wife, or lose a loved one while married; those are all very stressful activities, some lasting much longer than 27 weeks. Why not add going to a high-stress Academy to that list of difficulties?

As for the personal change you'll undergo at the Academy...everybody changes, whether they go through our Academy or not! Some change radically, some change a little--and spouses have to flex and roll with those changes. Everyone is different. And just because you might view the world a little differently or be locked up all weekend at home doesn't mean you'll become an alcoholic ogre addicted to Internet porn who abuses his wife. :biggrin: Or maybe you already are, and she appreciates that about you. :lol:

If you aren't already living with your fiance, I think it would easier to go through the Academy as newly married, since you aren't used to living together, anyway. Being married for a couple years and then going through seems like it might be more difficult...add leaving kids into the mix, and it will be even more difficult to get away for 27 weeks. We have plenty of cadets become officers in those circumstances, why not be a newly married guy that makes it? Whose to say you guys couldn't rent an apartment nearby for cheap? She can work while you're at Academy, and you guys can spend weekends together.

You also need to consider that more than 20,000 people have made it through the Academy with different backgrounds, family situations, added stressors, and whatnot. This is ultimately your choice--do you think you can do what 20,000 others managed to accomplish? I hope you do.

Anyway, the choice is yours--good luck to you, either way!

[Radar]

OK, I have no advice relative to "wait" or "don't wait"... That's your decision, but you should go into it with as much information as possible.

I think something important to consider is the physiological change you will go through as you progress throughout your career. Yes, the Academy will be difficult, as is break-in and your first year of probation. The real change, however, comes as you progress through the first few years of your career. You WILL change. This is not because "training is hard" and "shiftwork sucks", although it does... You will change because you will spend the majority of every day over a span of YEARS in a state of hypervigilance and you just can't sustain it all the time. Since that hypervigilance is what keeps you alive on the road, you need it to survive. This means, you will be naturally more apathetic at home. It won't be intentional and it's not because you truly don't care. In fact, you may not even recognize it at first. When your "give-a-shitter" is in overdrive 8, 10, 12 hours a day or more, you've got to give it a rest at some point. As long as you prepare for this and learn to improvise, adapt, and overcome (you'll hear that often), you and your (future) wife can be fine no matter when you choose to get married.

An excellent book which speaks on this topic is Emotional Surival for Law Enforcement Officers and their Families (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Survival-Law-Enforcement-Officers/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) by Kevin Gilmartin. No, I don't get a cut from the proceeds, nor do I have a dog in this fight, but I have heard him speak via Peer Support Training, and have been exposed to his work through classes at the Area and Division levels.

Coming from a law enforcement family, I thought I had it all figured out before I ever even started... Prior to coming on the job, I married someone who I had been together with for years, knew my family background and was seemingly supportive of a law enforcement career. Being now on my second marriage, I'm finally seeing what this career can do to a family and how to address it.

Good luck!

[Yzeman]

An excellent book which speaks on this topic is Emotional Surival for Law Enforcement Officers and their Families (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Survival-Law-Enforcement-Officers/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) by Kevin Gilmartin. No, I don't get a cut from the proceeds, nor do I have a dog in this fight, but I have heard him speak via Peer Support Training, and have been exposed to his work through classes at the Area and Division levels.
+1 on Dr. Gilmartin's book. One of the nice things about the book...it is just as easy a read for your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend, as it is for you.

I will add to the 'Book List' with Lt. Col. Dave Grossman's 'On Combat' (http://www.killology.com/book_oncombat_summary.htm). Lt. Col. Grossman has a different, but in my opinioin equally effective approach as Dr. Gilmartin, with his ideas on 'Stress Inoculation.'

I agree 100% with Radar that marriage before or after the Academy is your choice...I will however strongly incourage both of these books as a great primer to our unique lifestyle.

Best of luck to both of you!

[RCO]

+1 for the book "On Combat"

Anyone thinking of getting into LE or who is LE needs to thoroughly read that book.

[23112]

+1 for Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement
+1 for On Combat

And I'll throw this one out there, as well: On Killing.

[MAN1987]

I'd like to add: "I love a cop: What police families need to know" by Ellen Kirschman

And 23112 and Radar gave some excellent advice. Good Luck.

Some advice I would like to give: If you are a Christian, read your Bible, and pray often. That is something that will definitely help you get through tough times if you haven't already figured that out.

Genesis 2:18 "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." We weren't made to battle things alone. We need the support that God intended for us to have.

[chpbagpiper]

No one has said it, but with an 80 to 90% failure rate, consider a prenup!

[Megmamaof3]

I just want to throw this out there as a wife that went through the Academy process with my husband (and our 2 kids). It is going to be tough on her whether there is a ring on her finger or not. If you really want to take that step together, it may be the most rewarding thing you've ever done and make your time at the Academy that much better. However, like everyone else said, it could set you up for failure. She's going to have to suck it up, tough it out, and Get Used To It. The next 30-ish years are FULL of all the BS that makes being married to a LEO so difficult. If she doesn't have the backbone or the, ahem, constitution to make it through the Academy, Break-in, and Probation as your wife, she certainly won't make it through the rest of your career.

A lot of us wives say the Academy is training for us as much as it is for you. She's going to learn how to deal with you not being there for important stuff (holidays, birthday, illnesses, etc). She can learn how to sleep alone every night, and how to eat meals alone. She can learn how to end a conversation abruptly because "I gotta go" is a common occurrence in the Academy and on the road. She can learn to tell family/friends/etc that "Sorry, we can't make it because (Husband) is working again/OT/Cozeep, or has court". She can learn how to budget for the month (since pay day is only once), and deal with unexpected work expenses (because you are going to come home telling her you 'have' to have the latest/greatest do-dad, both in the Academy and on the road). She can learn how to make friends with other wives/fiancees/girlfriends that are 'suffering' the same way she is (because let's face it - no one else is going to understand what she is feeling but us!).

Whatever you decide, regardless of what everyone else has said on this board, marriage is for the long haul. Even without CHP, you'll go through some major ups and downs. CHP just adds an interesting twist. Good Luck to both of you!

Yup, 100%!

[wannabehp]

Well, I must say, I can already feel the "family" support part of CHP. Thank you to all who replied or pm'ed. I have realized with your help and the help of a two night backpack trip near Yosemite, that my fiance and I are the only two who can decide when the time is right. She is still finishing her college education (her last semester) and we know we will wait til she graduates. After that, we will make our decision. We are going to buy the book that was recommended and read it often. I know at the end of the day, my fiance/future wife will keep me motivated to return to the academy every Sunday night, through break-in and other obsticles on the road.
I know this job will be my life, but I think the key is to not let it run my life. I am sure that is easier said than done, but still a theory. Thanks again to eveyone. We will keep reading...

[PapaBear]

My wife and I were married in 1963. I attended my first academy in Orange County just seven months later without issue. I attended the CHP academy three years into our marriage and we are now in our 48th year. It worked out for us and I could not be happier. Just remember, it takes two to make a marriage. Compromise is the key. I give her anything she wants and she compromises by accepting it! :doh: (jk) :lol:

[Cacti_25]

I married prior to the academy and now 10+ years later I wouldnt change a thing.

[Vinnie]

I married prior to the academy and now 10+ years later I wouldnt change a thing.
Funny- I was going to say the same thing about the opposite situation :rolleyes:

[LoveMyChippy]

From a wife's perspective:

My husband and I dated prior to him even being accepted into the academy, but I knew that's what his desire and true calling in life was. He proposed shortly after receiving his acceptance letter. We planned on getting married when he got off break in. For us, this was perfect. We were both originally from the Sacramento area, so I was able to see him on Wednesday liberties and weekends. I stayed in Sacramento while he went to his first office on break in. He was so busy during his break in time, that it would have been so lonesome to be in a new city all by myself during that time, plus I had a wedding to plan. Once he came off break in, a honeymoon was a well needed vacation.

I hope this helps you out a bit.

[CHP-Davis]

what a loser.

:lol:

[ResQ]

Compromise is the key. I give her anything she wants and she compromises by accepting it! :doh: (jk) :lol:

I think you and I might be inlaws?!

[pinkrocks]

I'd vote for waiting.
I waited until after break-in and probation, and I am so glad we did. We had been together for a little over 2 years prior to entrance, I was 29 and he was 34, so our life experience told us there was no reason to rush.

I got to plan the wedding stress-free, I had a vacation slot that allowed 3 weeks in Maui, enough income to pay for the wedding & honeymoon I really wanted, and was 100% sure we would make it through anything after all that.
Plus, you'll be in the best shape of your life for pictures and honeymoon. :badgrin:
I graduated with 9 other girls. Of those 9, there are two relationships left intact today including mine.

[Monsoon]

i got married a few months before the academy, had been with my (now) wife for 5 years prior....she supported me throughout the academy and made it that much easier....three years later, things are still great and she still supports me and doesnt complain about the crappy hours i work or shit i deal with!

[25/31]

How old are you guys and have you ever been married.

I will assume younger and first timers. If this is wrong then maybe I don't know. My first thought was: Is it possible? Hell Yeah! How Cool is that!

Then I thought about from your grils position and it wasn't so hot. From her perspective, you are going to essentially disappear for 6+ months and then only be around a little while you are on break in....

During this time, you will start to change your opinions about certain things and she won't be there to help. So in the end, once things quiet down...you have a lonely woman waiting for you to make up lost time, a boring, nasty story about your honeymoon at the academy, and she gets introduced to you (a new person) who has a different world view.

If you are seriouos about marriage, I would wait until probation is over, (you'll have vacation time saved up) and then take some time to do it.


Well said. Good advice.:cool: